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today, i lost it

today, i lost it. i positively, absolutely had a melt-down. you'd probably expect that of my 20 month old daughter but not today. we went to Barnes & Noble with a friend and her three year old daughter. miriam was pulling things off shelves faster than i could put them back. we should have left then. instead, i tried to stick it out and make this rare get-together work. we sat on the floor, reading a book together until miriam ripped the page out of the book. at that point, i picked up my purse, swooped miriam under one arm, and grabbed the torn book with my free hand, marching all of us up to the front counter. i paid for the book and my sweet friend tried to redeem the visit with a quick catch-up as we stood by the exit. i could feel tears invading my eyes and begged her forgiveness for not being up to a visit at that point.
as we sat in the car, hot tears streamed down my face. why was this so damn hard? why did i bother even going to Barnes & Noble where i knew miriam would be a train wreck? when would i get a chance for proper adult interaction? why couldn't my kid just get it together and listen when i told her, "no?"
as we drove home, things only got worse. we went inside and i let miriam do whatever she wanted while i curled up in the fetal position on my bed and cried. so dramatic, i know. i also know i'm not the only mom who feels this way, despising her precious off-spring who seems to hi-jack my every social plan. i wish there was some revelation i could share. i'd like to begin course-correcting now because i saw an ugly side to myself this morning that i don't want to encounter again. miriam responds to my anger and it isn't pretty. i don't want her to learn that from me. there are so many better things i can pass on to her.
so often, we want to wrap up our lives in a pretty package for all to see and admire. we want to present our many accomplishments for the world to appreciate. and so often, life just doesn't work out that way. life is messy, it's not always pretty. and who benefits from pretty packages, anyway? not me because i'm creating an illusion. not the world because they're seeing something that doesn't really exist. i suppose it's better to be authentic, let others see my messiness, confess, receive forgiveness, change course, and know that through it all, i'm loved.


Unknown said...

Every parent looses it sometimes. That just makes you human. Trust me. If I thought that you were perfect I don't know if we could be friends because I defiantly wouldn't be able to relate to you:). Plus look at what you did right. All kids will test our nerves, you removed her from the situation and came home and took a time out for yourself. If you wouldn't have taken a time out you might not have been able to release your frustrations in a healing manner. You are a wonderful mother:)

Sarah Spear said...

Thank you, Linda. Your encouragement buoys my hope. I'm grateful you love me, warts and all. :)